


Inoculation

by Outside_Context_Problem



Series: The Troll War [12]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon-Fanfic Crossovers, Personality Pinball, Random Writing Exercise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-23
Updated: 2012-10-23
Packaged: 2017-11-16 22:14:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/544419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Outside_Context_Problem/pseuds/Outside_Context_Problem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's pretty easy to get around when you're a common narrative construct. Especially when one of your origins is on an easily-accessed webpage.</p><p>a.k.a. a non-canonical canon-crossover with Troll War</p>
            </blockquote>





	Inoculation

**Author's Note:**

> Done because of a comment on Comorbidity that got me thinking.
> 
> Alpha kids skipped for time, troll dancestors skipped because phew, enough characters, I'm not bloody Hussie.

JOHN: hahahahahahahahah!  
JOHN: oh gog i can't breathe.  
JOHN: seriously?? it's literally ALL a game here?  
JOHN: possibly the most comic thing I have heard in the last ten iterations.  
KARKAT: STILL NOT TALKING TO YOU, QUADRANT-PERVERTING-FUCKUP-EGBERT.  
KARKAT: YOU ARE MAKING STRIDER LOOK POLITE AND CULTURALLY SENSITIVE.  
KARKAT: DAVE FUCKING STRIDER.  
DAVE: hey fuck off  
DAVE WHO FUCKED JOHN IN COLLEGE HENCEFORTH REFERRED TO AS DAVE 2: were trying to have a fucking peaceable alternate reality comparison here  
DAVE 2: (jesus sufferer john can you get any more self-absorbed with the narrative?)  
ARADIA: (he has a couple of other attributes too o\\./o)  
JOHN: (grey dave/pink dave? adult dave vs babby dave? heir dave and daveknight? take your pick, buddy, i'm easy)  
DAVE 2: (thats what he said)  
DAVE 2: (no seriously whatevs)  
DAVE 2: (gotta give little dave props in his own universe)  
DAVE: (gee thanks grimdark gramps)  
DAVE: (now explain what the fuck happened with you and rezi)  
DAVE: (but dont say a goddamn word about you and john)  
DAVE: (not in a place to hear that right now)  
KARKAT: ARE YOU SCOOPED-OUT-THINK PAN ZOMBIES EVEN LISTENING?  
KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY NOT. IT'S *DAVE*. HE NEEDS SIX READ-THROUGHS OF THE MISSION BRIEFING, WHILE ON AMPHETAMINES, JUST TO REMEMBER THE TARGET'S NAME.  
DAVE 2: (love you too karks just remember who killed the wrong autarch on ceti alpha iii)  
KARKAT: YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING ECHO BOX, ALTERNATE FUTURE ME. I WAS JUST FUCKING RESOLVING MY CANYON-DEEP PROBLEMS WITH MY ACTUAL FUTURE SELVES OVER THE COURSE OF THIS NEVERENDING HELL-BORN ASTEROID TRIP AND I CAN ALREADY FEEL THEM WELLING BACK UP WITH EXTRA BILE.  
KARKAT: GOOD NEWS, FUCKWIT! I'M NOT ACTUALLY YOU, SO STOP BEING SUCH A GOGDAMNED TOOL.  
DAVE: holy shit this is hilarious  
KARKAT: KID DAVE, IN THE INTERESTS OF INTER-CULTURAL TOLERANCE, I'D LIKE YOU TO REFRAIN FROM PROFANING THE SACRED EXCREMENT OF THE SUFFERER, IT'S A VERY CONTENTIOUS RELIGIOUS TEXT AS IT IS.  
DAVE: …  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: HA HA HA HA, JESUS SUFFERER NO, I'M COMPLETELY FUCKING WITH YOU. POINT TO YOU, JOHN.  
JOHN: told you it would work!  
DAVE: …  
DAVE: goddamit did i actually just get pranked by john?  
KARKAT: YES. THAT IS A THING THAT JUST HAPPENED.  
DAVE 2: it just took fourteen years karkat and an alternate reality to pull it off  
DAVE 2: real impressed over here john  
UNSCARRED GAMZEE OR GAMZEE 2: HeY, iT wAs KiNdA fUnNy, BrOsPrIt.  
KARKAT: TELL ME. FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS NOT CLUSTERFUCK PANTS ON HEAD RETARDED. THAT I DID NOT JUST HEAR THAT.  
GAMZEE: MoThErFuCkInG bLaSpHeMiEs.  
GAMZEE 2: ShOrT sTuFf, YoU bEsT sTeP tHe FuCk Up OfF mY bOy. ShIt, LeMmE sHoW yOu SoMe NeW sTuFf OfF tHe FrEe AlTeRnIa SlAm ScEnE aNd YoU wIlL fOrGeT yOu EvEr HeArD oF aNy MeSsIaNiC hOoFbEaSt ShIt.  
GAMZEE 2: No OfFeNsE, pLaToNiC bEsT bRo.  
KARKAT: GAMZEE, YOU KNOW I DON'T ACTUALLY THINK THE SUFFERER OR CHRIST WERE ANY KIND OF MAGIC. IT'S JUST UNIVERSAL PRINCIPLES WITH MARTYRS.  
KARKAT: OKAY NO HOLD IT.  
KARKAT: APPARENTLY HORRIFICALLY TRUE ANCESTOR SHIT ASIDE  
KARKAT: (AT LEAST THE ONE ON ALTERNIA HAD THE DECENCY TO DIE LIKE A FUCKING BADASS)  
KARKAT: (AND KNEW HOW TO SHUT UP)  
KARKAT: **WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU COVERED IN OBSCENELY OBVIOUS MUTANT BLOOD TATTOOS???**  
KARKAT: IT'S MANDATORY.  
KARKAT: MANDATORY FOR WHAT??  
KARKAT: FOR BEING A COMPLETE EMPIRE-WRECKING REBEL BADASS, SHORT STUFF.  
SLIGHTLY LESS SHARKTOOTH-GRINNING TEREZI, HENCEFORTH REFERRED TO AS TEREZI 2: 4LSO TH3Y R34LLY HURT H1M 4ND W3R3 FUN TO DR4W. >:D

Meters away from Young Karkat's unbelievable eight minute explosion of non-repeated profanity and subsequent passing out, but not many…

KANAYA: From Your Cursory Explanation We Appear To Be The Only Existent Relationship Parallel Between Our "Stories"  
DR. LALONDE, HENCEFORTH- SHE'S ROSE 2, OKAY, YOU GET HOW THIS WORKS ALREADY: Entirely accurate. Most of the discrepancies are owing to the unfortunate deaths in your universe.  
ROSE: It rather disturbs me that an iteration of our "story" consisting of teenagers playing a game has more fatalities than one of young adults at war.  
ROSE 2: John believes we have a "sappier, soft-hearted writer". I believe the term "schmaltzy" was also used.  
ROSE 2: In any case, I believe your experiences have been astoundingly more complex, providing both greater tragedy and hopefully a more fulfilling "ending".  
THE ONLY LIVING VRISKA: Wh8t the fuck have you got ag8nst my 8oyfriend's cr8zy-awesome victory, Rose????????  
KANAYA: (She Never Grows Out Of That Then)  
KANAYA 2: ("That" Is Unfortunately Just The State Of Being Vriska)  
KANAYA 2: (And John Is A Terrible Influence)  
KANAYA 2: (As Is By Proxy Eridan)  
KANAYA: (You Do Not Need To Tell Me)  
KANAYA 2: (Yes I Had Noticed)  
KANAYA 2: (I Wonder If That Transformation Is Possible Or Advisable For Me)  
KANAYA 2: (I Suppose I Should Consult John)  
KANAYA: (I Would Recommend Against Duplicating My Methods In Any Case)  
ROSE 2: Vriska, I have no problems with the way John tidied up our original home-line. I simply don't count becoming infinite as an "ending".  
VRISKA: Oh. Alriiiiiiiight.  
ROSE 2: Still, it's quite a pity you're unlikely to meet Commander Zahhak in his youth.  
THE MAN-MOUNTAIN WITH PUPILS, ADULT EQUIUS: =--= Not e%actly, Doctor. I did not have any true appro%imation of my 100% focused personality as a youth. I was rather… 100d.  
THE NEPETA WITH AN ACTUAL GENEMODDED CAT TAIL, ALSO THE ONE WHO IS ALIVE: X33 < also sweaty!!!  
EQUIUS: =--= Eugh. Yes. Deve100ping self-control was a long and e%hausting process.  
NEPETA: ;33 < and a john-purrvoked pawcess h33 h33  
ROSE 2: He's a good influence on most people, anyway.  
VRISKA: Lalonde, suck my-  
EQUIUS: =--= Stop provoking Vriska, Doctor. I am abso100tely aware you are 100king to enflame our relationship with jealousy.  
EQUIUS: =--= Keep in mind that I am rarely, if ever, jealous of Serket.  
VRISKA: Fuck you too, Zahhak!!!!!!!!  
KANAYA: (Seriously Rose)  
KANAYA: (Equius)  
KANAYA: (Equius)  
ROSE: (Kanaya, dear, you're strobing.)  
KANAYA: (Sorry)  
KANAYA: (Im Finding It A Little Hard To Control Right Now)  
KANAYA 2: (I Apologize For Forcing My Way Into This Whispered Conversation But Could I Get A Tissue Sample From You Before We Leave)  
KANAYA 2: (I Believe It Would Be Very Helpful In Examining The Rainbow Drinker Phenomenon)  
KANAYA: (Um)  
KANAYA: (I Suppose So)  
KANAYA: (As Long As It Is Not Collected Via Chainsaw)  
KANAYA 2: (I Do Have Some Very Small Chainsaws)

Several small infinities away, but not many:

JADE: you looked just like me!! except what were you wearing? :o  
DR. JADE 2: totally random chance i got the wolf genemods at your age  
JADE 2: oh god i forgot the centennial fashion trends though  
BUFF WINGED TAVROS: You dont look… Entirely ridiculous… Jade.  
CAPTAIN JOHN EGBERT FROM THE EARLIER SCENE, NOW CALLED JOHN 2 BECAUSE THERE'S ANOTHER JOHN: whoever thought micron-thick carbon nanofiber was a good material for pants needs more of a mocking than the 2410s gave them.  
JADE 2: oh bite me!! i can dig up pics of you in the autochthines! >:B  
JADE 2: in fact already have!!  
DAVESPRITE: youre in a fucking loincloth bro  
DAVESPRITE: oh god what  
DAVESPRITE: why is that a rotating image  
DAVESPRITE: why is there no back to that thing oh god wait theres a thong  
DAVESPRITE: why most of all can i not look away?  
JOHN 2: because i put a lot of work into sculpting those glutes, dude.  
JOHN: kill me now.  
JOHN 2: vriska, that's rhetorical, put your sword down goddamit!  
STILL THE LIVING VRISKA: 8ut little-you is a godling, it'll 8e fiiiiiiiine!  
UN-BISECTED ERIDAN: cod, vvris, leeve the kid alone. bein' a tragically less awwsome vversion a john's gotta be hard enough.  
JOHN: well… it is kinda cool that you're a cyborg.  
JOHN 2: in retrospect, fuck yeah! not so much fun at the time. but it's a freaky parallel from what terezi said.  
VRISKA:-  
JOHN 2: no, i'm not chopping off your arm to match, we already settled on your character design!  
JOHN: hold on, i want to get back to movies. BOTH of you have NEVER seen con air?  
JOHN 2: nope. name sounds kinda vaguely familiar but not really?  
JOHN 2: i mean we've watched a lot of movies. er. "watched".  
DAVESPRITE: alien sex life tmi futurespace john  
JOHN 2: more convincing if you could tear your eyes off my digital ass, birdboy!  
JOHN: oh god i just… wait, this isn't even something to freak out about. so you haven't seen my sort-of-ex-favorite movie, big deal, you live four centuries in the future and your dad is the planet.  
JOHN: actually this kinda helps me out!  
JOHN: you guys can be objective judges.

Hours in the future, but not many (about 123 minutes)

JOHN 2: … eh.  
JOHN 2: it's the kind of movie i could have liked when i was thirteen?  
VRISKA: The lead dude, whatshisname, could have used more cy8org parts.  
JOHN 2: you're gonna be stuck on that for the next ten iterations, aren't you.  
JOHN: you don't know who nic cage is.  
JOHN: you know, maybe i do need to freakout.  
JOHN 2: dude, don't worry. lemme find the media input on your alien game future-past vid projector.  
VRISKA: And It Don't Stop! Fuck yeah!!!!!!!! 8ird-Dave, get your 8utt over here! You're a8out to get 8lown away 8y eight hours of slam poem majesty!  
JADE 2: this agaaain? i'm gonna show mini-me how my nega-space skip rockets work and share nanna crocker's baker vids  
JADE: i got this!  
VRISKA: Teleporters. Feh. Almost as 8ad as fliers.  
TAVROS: You're really grouchy… Since you learned this universe's you… Had wings.  
VRISKA: I felt that!!!!!!!! There's gonna 8e 8eatings for 8oth 8reath 8oys if you keep it up!  
JOHN 2: everybody always wants to fly, but never on MY schedule.

Hours before/after and light-years/microns away…

ARADIA WHO WAS NEVER A FROG GHOST SPRITE, AKA ARADIA 2: oh wooow. totally cool! o.o  
GRIMDARK DAVE: yeah actually kinda  
ACTUALLY THE ONLY DAVE IN THIS SCENE DAVE: in like a zen train of thought insanity way?  
NOT SURE WHY I SPECIFIED ANYTHING ABOUT HIM DAVE: reminds me of you  
ARADIA 2: awww, thanks! 0u0  
SOLLUX: holy 2hiit you 2 are makiing my biile-thacks bulge.  
ARADIA: sollux, shut up! i think theyre cute!  
EQUIUS 2: =--= John, you are oddly silent.  
JOHN: > well, meeting the condesce as a 13-year old punk who was actually kinda cool was weird. but her entire existence is the disturbing part! and apparently our grandparents are kids in a rebooted earth? i'm still processing…  
NEPETA 2: :33 < its hardly the weirdest place weve been john! remember the one where jade was evil?  
DAVE: dude dont even remind me  
JOHN: it's just this whole scratch process and dual realities. they don't seem to have any parallel in our story. it suggests some staggering things, really!  
VRISKA 2: Liiiiiiiike?  
JOHN: well for starters i'm even more certain we're an iterative story ourselves. but THIS story seems huge! vast and monstrous in complexity, all that fun stuff! and it's constantly evolving! i think it must be the prime.  
VRISKA: Hahahaha! Suck it! We ruuuuuuuule!  
VRISKA 2: Ghost kid, have you got any idea what that means?  
VRISKA: Nope!  
VRISKA 2: Fuck yeah, you rule.  
JOHN: it definitely means there's no way in hell anything we do here matters. it's going to be erased or squeezed out the moment we leave. actually we probably just iterated this reality by entering it. that means you can stop beating your alternate ghost-self to a bloody pulp, dan.  
ERIDAN 2: you broke the fuckin matriorb too?! wworthless piece a wwhale blubber, im gonna pulp your collapsin and expandin bladder based aquatic vvascular system!  
NEPETA: (:// < equius this is still really weird and kinda cr33py!)  
EQUIUS: (==> I agree. I am disturbed by this alternate's 100d and grotes%ue moirallegiance abomination with a human)  
EQUIUS 2: (=--= You are also poor at whispering and have 100% bad taste.)  
NEPETA 2: (>:[[ < yeah!!! you kids watch what you say about john or its on!!!)  
JOHN: (> you guys, i love you hardcore, but leave the kids alone. they're from a different cultural context, and they're teenagers. also, dead.)  
JOHN: (> and since when has alternate disapproval messed with us? c'mon, <>)  
EQUIUS 2: (=--= I am pro%imately disappointed in the rudeness of my prime counterpart. But you are correct. <>)  
NEPETA 2: (:33 < alright! <>)  
NEPETA: (:33 < you know, equius… the old you does s33m really stable and controlled and happy… and the john human dreams sometimes…)  
EQUIUS: (==> No.)  
JOHN: (> aww, if we could actually affect them that would be even more adorable. oh well. we've got our own thing going on :B)  
TAVROS 2: No… Thats still not actual… Self-esteem. The best way… To earn that is… Deeds.  
TAVROS 2: … Sorry.  
TAVROS: i THINK THAT, iS A THING THAT, kIND OF SUCKS IF ITS TRUE. tHE, uH, pERMANENT KIND OF SUCKS. aND MAYBE I, wOULD BE BETTER OFF, nOT BELIEVING IT?  
KARKAT: YOUNG DEAD TAVROS. CHITINOUS WINDHOLE. ZIP THE FUCKER. YOU EXIST IN A UNIVERSE WHERE DEATH DOESN'T KEEP YOU FROM INFLUENCING REALITY. IF YOU CAN'T FIND A WAY TO DO SOME THING, JUST ONE BULGE-LICKING THING TO BUILD REAL SELF-ESTEEM ON, YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE ANY SHAME GLOBES WORTH FONDLING.  
JOHN: karkat, leave the sad version of tavros to wallow or not as he chooses. vriska, put ghost vriska back, we can't take her with us. dan… jesus you really did pulp him. okay, you get anger management counseling at the next stop.  
JOHN: pack up, everyone, there's a lot more realities to go!

**Author's Note:**

> Either the writing of this or the recent updates has cemented that I really don't like canonical Tavros. Dude's a whiner.


End file.
